Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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