I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
my liver is dry heaving
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
