FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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