I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
