my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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