Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
