my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
