getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
