Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
