just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
