So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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