I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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