I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
