Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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