I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
