Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
