I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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