I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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