i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
