ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
i now understand why vodka
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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