3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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