This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
