I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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