Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
