Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
