you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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