I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
