Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize