i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
