Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize