If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
