i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
True strength comes from lack of pants
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
