apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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