I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
