the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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