your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
