Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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