Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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