mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
smell my finger.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
