I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
