i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
