I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
