Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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