i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
