Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize