Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
