I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
