I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
