oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize