I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
