ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
