I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
