Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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