how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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