Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
