I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
