nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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