a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
