can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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