There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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