So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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