I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
