The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
