I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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