is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
40s are totally the cure
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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