Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
