take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
