I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
